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Black Grapes & Bitchy Housewives...

Friday, 13 May 2011 03:00

Going Off Course - He looked like a sumo wrestler and smelled like ink and a whole lot of yesterday's sweat.

"Should I get the Del Griffin or the Ferris?" she asked her fiancee as she flipped through one of Bubba's catalogs, her breath not quite fetid, smelling of high-end Pinot Noir. She adored the movies of John Hughes, and "Del Griffin" (photo) was John Candy's wonderfully obnoxious character in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" and "Ferris" was Ferris Bueller, who everyone knows.

"I won't marry you if you get a John Candy or Matthew Broderick tattoo!" Jeff screamed. "I don't want you to get any kind of tattoo. Your body is perfect just the way it is, no offense to you, Bubba."

"None taken," replied Bubba, whose planet-size body was a Sistine Chapel of dizzying imagery.

"Okay," she said through an effulgent smile. She didn't really want to get a tattoo, even one that depicted a beloved character from a movie made by her favorite director/screenwriter. She just wanted Jeff to tell her that she was perfect.

Jeff Miller and his fiancee, the perfect-bodied woman with the luminescent smile whose name was Gea (pronounced "Gaya") Lundeen, went back to the pub where she ordered another J Pinot Noir and he got a pint of Hitachino Nest Espresso Stout. When their flight to Minneapolis boarded three hours later, the couple had dropped almost 43,000 yen on adult beverages and appetizers consisting mostly of generic raw fish and seaweed.

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