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Paper or Plastic?

Tuesday, 22 February 2011 04:00

Going Off Course - "Paper or plastic?" he asked the adipose woman with orange hair, painted-on eyebrows and a smudge of Twinkie cream on the corner of her heavily lipsticked mouth. His tone was both pleasant and businesslike. He was a professional; the #1 bagger at Hy-Vee's South Lucust Street location in Dubuque.

The oblivious woman didn't answer. Her groceries, almost $600's worth so far, were piling up on the conveyor belt.

"Excuse me, ma'am. Would you prefer paper or plastic?" Outwardly, The Bagger was in control. Internally, he was becoming frantic. Groceries had begun to spill onto the floor. The scene resembled an episode of "I Love Lucy."...

Once more, Twinkie Puss did not reply.

Taking control of the situation, The Bagger pulled a dozen or so paper bags, the kind with handles, from the cubby beneath the conveyor, and began filling sacks, making sure that the eggs and Wonder Bread were on top. The bag handles made it easier for him to quickly transport the packaged groceries to waiting carts.

The Bagger's hands were a blur as Ding Dongs, Dill Pickles, packages of Luncheon meat, Valveeta, Count Chocula and more disappeared into the bags. He used the "Toss & Catch Method" to load the sacks; one arm in the bag (the "catch" arm) the other tossing the merchandise in. It was a sight to behold. A thing of beauty.

The Bagger filled 32 handled paper sacks, requiring four carts. Twinkie's Puss's total came to just over $2000.

"What was your question, dear"? the woman asked as she removed one of her iPod's earbuds. The faint strains of Anthrax's "Caught in a Mosh" leaked from the waxy bud.

"I asked whether you would prefer paper or plastic?" the sweat-drenched Bagger answered.

"Plastic, please," the eyebrowless customer replied as she re-affixed her earbud.

This is the moment when Brendan Dolan, a.k.a. The Bagger, wakes up screaming, his perspiration-soaked jammy bottoms plastered to his oak-trunk thighs. (He never wore PJ tops.)

The made-up recurring nightmare described above is based on a real made-up experience, one that may or may not have actually disturbed Brendan's slumber from time to time. He was, after all, a real bagger in a real Hy-Vee before he became a lawyer and triathlete. And every bagger can recount nightmarish experiences similar to the one with the alleged Twinkie Puss, can they not?

What do we really know about Brendan Dolan, though? Well, he's a very cool guy with a heavy beard who loves Pabst beer, Conan O'Brien and rock bands whose names start with "The." He loves "Jersey Shore" and meat, tolerates Michael Bolton and hates cats.

Here's some more stuff about Mr. Dolan:

BACKGROUND:

Name? Brendan Dolan (aka. Dolan, Chocolate Thunder, Biondi http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Biondi)

Age? 30

Where you live now? Minneapolis

Where were you born? Dubuque, IA

Education? Where? Luther College (Decorah, IA); William Mitchell College of Law (St. Paul, MN)

Degrees? B.A., J.D. Just call me