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Clumsiness or Male Pattern Baldness..

Friday, 10 December 2010 04:00

By Steve Sander

Kelly and I are expecting our first here in the next few days if not hours. She is a girl and after a few minutes of deliberation decided that the name Avery will be the most difficult name for other children to turn into vicious insults. We are extremely excited to find out what type of an triathlete Avery will be. More importantly, will she take after her mother (soon to be Doctor Sander) or her father who was voted least studious in his senior class. So here are the pros and cons.

If she takes after her mother she will be able to outsmart anyone on the course with simple equations of wind,water, stroke, stride, drag, resistance that will help her maximize her efficiency. The cons with her taking after her mother ..

will be an incredible propensity for clumsiness. Here is how I see Avery's first triathlon playing out. First Avery will do all her calculations. Then as soon as the gun goes off she will somehow trip over a rock, breaking her toe thus requiring her to side stroke the swim. Once in T1 she will successfully splint her toe so she can continue. As she mounts her bike she will miss her seat and get "crotched." This will cause incredible discomfort for the bike leg but she will tough it out. Once she hits the run she will be feeling good but will then miss the water hand off and accidentally slap the volunteer in the face. She will finish feeling good about the accomplishment only to get banned from the sport for safety reasons.

If she turns out like her father the future will not look so good on the studious side but she may have a future as a triathlete. There will be drawbacks though. The gun will go off and she will neanderthal her way through the swim only to come out of the water in the middle of the pack. When she tears off her swim cap she will unfortunately have a nasty case of male pattern baldness. Once she fumbles her way through T1 she will use her stupid huge thighs and caboose to power her way back to the front of the pack. Unfortunately at the finish line she will be mistaken for a man due to her bald head and ridiculously odd male features.

While my wife and I have joked about giving birth to a clumsy, book smarts challenged, bald daughter we hope that we have bread the smartest, most beautiful triathlete on the planet. Unfortunately we will have to wait a few years to find out which one she is. Either way we will love her just the same.

Happy Holidays!

Steve and Kelly Sander