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Onesies, Ozzy Glasses, Kangaroos & Elvis....

Monday, 18 December 2017 23:10

If we could, the MTN Guys would give special Christmas gifts to all of the multisport athletes of our state, and for the last several years we have revealed the presents we would give to members of Team Minnesota if we were solvent enough to do so.

We are so not solvent enough to do so.

Here's what we won't be giving to the men of Team Minnesota 2017 ...

SEAN COOLEY – Sean already has almost everything. He's a successful doctor, has an awesome girlfriend, great taste in clothes and has traveled extensively. We'd like to get him WeatherTech Floor Liners ($299.95).
WADE CRUSER – We're not sure, but we suspect that while Sean is into the boy bands of the late 20^th Century, Wade is into Rap. On LAWeekly.com we found what some guys believe to be the Top 20 Rap albums of all time. We want to give all twenty albums, featuring Dr. Dre's “The Chronic” and “Doogy Style” by Snoop Dogg, to Wade.
NATHAN ANSBAUGH – Nathan is a doctor and a really good guy. We'd love to pay off his student loans. We really would.
JOSH BLANKENHEIM – Like most of us guys, the woman in Josh's life—Larissa Jensen—is much too good for him. He hasn't married her yet. Dumb, right? We plan to take away all of his ice fishing equipment and not return it until he marries Larissa. We will pay for the ceremony and Rod Raymond will pay for the reception, which will feature craft beer from Fitger's Brewhouse.
MATTHEW PAYNE – Matt got his pilot's license last summer. We want to buy him an airplane, a shiny red one with the name of his rock band-- “Align” – painted on the tail.
KRIS SPOTH – If you have ever visited Kris' Facebook page, you know that he likes ice cream, wears nice shirts and loves animals. We pretended to give him more nice shirts last year, so this time around we'll pretend to give him a kangaroo.
JORDAN ROBY – According to his FB page, Jordan is into Michael Jackson, “House” and flamboyant sunglasses. We'll pretend give him the eight-season “House” box set, the King of Pop's “Blood on the Dance Floor” and a pair of red-tinted Ozzy Osbourne Spectacle sun glasses.
BROOKS GROSSINGER – We never know what to pretend to give Brooksie. Camping stuff, maybe? An ice house? Let's not give him both of those things AND throw in a perpetually re-gifted fruitcake from the 1980s.
BRIAN SAMES – Brian is a proud daddy-to-be. Twins! So we're considering actually giving him some real baby stuff, like onesies and little stocking caps.
ANDY WIBERG – We found a pic of Andy wearing retro shorts. We want to pretend to give him ten pairs of truly hideous—the hideous-er the better—Bermuda shorts.
BONUS GIFT: JOE ADRIAENS – Joe is into Classic Rock and horror movies, so, the gifts that we won't be giving him, though we want to, include “The Excorsist” and “It” CDs, plus Elvis' albums from his pre-fat greaser period, like “King Creole” and “Elvis for Everyone.”

Stay tuned for MTN's fictitious gifts for the women of 2017 Team Minnesota.