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Chocoholic Animalitarian...

Tuesday, 17 March 2015 07:10

WARNING - This post may contain silly embellishments.

Going Off Course - Forest Lake triathlete JEN WILSON is a Humanitarian. She has a huge heart and works tirelessly to raise funds and awareness for the American Heart Association.

She is also an "Animalitarian." A big part of her Texas-size heart is devoted to animal stuff and other than her husband, who looks kinda like a sandy-blond version of Tom Cruise (photo L), circa 1990, she loves animals more than anything, with the possible exception of chocolate.

It should come as no surprise that Jen is a Veterinary Technician, which is really a vague title, but we think that it means that she helps veterinarians take care of sick and/or injured animals.

With her Tom Cruisey husband, Mr. Wilson, she owns and lovingly cares for TEN animals, not including the squirrel monkies (photo L), which she named Rafiki (Swahili for "Friends") and Abu (a minor god of vegetation in Sumerian mythology), that she tried unsuccessfully to smuggle out of Mexico. Five of her personal pets are horses, which eat and poop a lot. We reckon the Wilson's are doing well financially and are thus able to afford to feed their animals. Even at Costco, bags of Purina Horse Chow aint cheap. And remember, Jen's got to feed her dogs, cats and rabbit, too. (FYI, rabbits don't really like carrots, not the orange carroty part, anyway. They prefer the leafy top.We thought you'd like to know that.)

Wow! That's a lot of expensive eating and stinky pooping! It's probably for the best that Jen and Mr. Wilson couldn't keep the monkies....

When you read Jen's questionnaire you'll learn that she has a Black Belt in Scab Picking. Though she considers "personal decrustation" to be a "bad" habit, we believe that she needn't feel guilty about this. We did a small survey in which we asked 10 people if they pick their scabs. Seven respondents admitted that they did. What did we learn from this? That three people were lying.

Everybody picks their scabs. It's what scabs are for. And it's kinda fun; addictive actually. It's not something one has to feel ashamed of, as long as they wash their hands and use the little file attachment on their nail clippers to scrape the fudgy crud from beneath their fingernails before they start the picking process.

The scab picking thing, in Jen's case, gets a little wierd when she admits that she likes to pick other people's scabs. It's not like she's a Serial Scab Picker, though. She'll only pick your scab if you give her permission to do so. We doubt that many people would allow her to decrust them because self-decrusting is so much fun. We doubt that Jen could afford to actually pay for the privilege to pick someone else's scabs, given that most of her discretionary income is spent on animal food, professional poop removal and triathlon-related stuff.

The sound of people eating, especially crunchy stuff, drives Jen nuts. This does not make her weird or a bad person. Eating sounds are annoying, though we disagree that crunchy eating sounds are more distuburbing than juicy and swallowy sounds. And what about gulpy sounds? Or the hard-to-breath sounds made by people who have too dang much food in their mouths?

Face it, most eating sounds are hideous, aren't they?

We thank Jen and her husband, Mr. Wilson, for allowing us to have some fun at their expense. They are cool and extraordinary people and we agree with them when they say, "Dogs are the best."

Check out Jen's questionnaire. It contains lots of great stuff and clearly demonstrates that she is a totally awesome person.

BACKGROUND:

Name? Jen Wilson

Age? 32

Where you live now? Forest Lake

Where were you born? St. Paul

Education? Where? Degrees? BS in Animal Science from University of Wisconsin, River Falls

AAS in Veterinary Technology from Argosy University

Occupation? Veterinary Technologist

Dream Job if you could do anything you want? Anesthesiologist. For humans. I’m already an anesthetist for animals.

Former Occupations? (Anything weird or embarrassing here?) My first job was cleaning horse stalls at a boarding stable, followed by a job cleaning stalls at the U of M Large Animal Hospital. So I guess you could say my jobs were full of crap… J

Family? Wife? Husband? Kids? An amazing and talented husband, Aaron. We only have fur-kids.

Pets? Names? The fur-kids; hold on this will take a while:

5 horses – Justin, Skipper, Brody, Marley and Apollo

2 Siberian Huskies – Meeko and Loki

2 cats – Sassy and Sidney

1 cantankerous rabbit - Tallulah

Tattoos? Other cool mutilations? 2 tattoos of my 2 favorite things – one is a horse on my back and the other is a triathlon tat (with an M-Dot, of course) on my left calf. I have my belly button pierced, too, but no one ever sees that on account of my year-round embarrassing tri-suit tan lines. (Seriously, why won’t they go away? It’s winter…)

Best physical feature? My husband. J Kidding. Sort of. But if I had to pick something on my person, my swim coach is always raving how I have beautiful eyebrows, so I’m going to go with that. Eyebrows.

Anything you wish you could change about yourself? I wish I could be faster! I want to podium this year!

Pet Peeves? The sound of people eating, especially crunchy things. I’m cringing right now thinking about it.

Bad Habits? I pick at things; scabs, nail polish, cuticles, beer bottle labels, other people’s scabs… I can’t stop.

Embarrassing Moments? When I was first getting used to clip-in pedals. I came to a stop sign, clipped one foot out, and tipped over to the opposite side. Of course there were other cyclists on the trail and cars at the intersection to witness my gracefulness.

FAVORITES:

Movies? The Lord of the Rings and Hobbit trilogies, and the Hunger Games.

Actors/Actresses? Right now it’s Chris Hemsworth and Jennifer Lawrence.

TV Shows? Big Bang Theory and American Ninja Warrior. I’d really like to go on Ninja Warrior, if I ever get any biceps.

TV Stars? I don’t watch much TV, except for the Big Bang Theory. So all of those guys.

Books? The Hunger Games; I couldn’t put it down!

Authors? No favorites in particular, I read such random things and like all of them.

Musicians/bands? I like a lot of different music, from Imagine Dragons to Taylor Swift and Jason Aldean. My all-time favorite is Maroon 5.

Songs? Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive always gets me pumped up!

Restaurants? We don’t eat out very often, but my favorites are Benihana’s and Texas Roadhouse. Best. Steak. Ever. And it’s fun to try to use chopsticks at Benihana’s; I’m not very good at it.

Meals? I like to cook simple, heathy things so lots of fish and turkey. My favorite dish is turkey stuffed peppers.

Junk Food? Chocolate. All things chocolate.

Favorite Crunchy Snack Food? Almonds, as long as I don’t have to listen to someone else eating them. Bonus if they are covered in cocoa or chocolate.

Favorite Pizza? Pepperoni. Cossetta’s in St. Paul has the best pizza ever.

Favorite Ice Cream? Chocolate. With chunks of chocolate, covered by more chocolate.

Favorite Hamburger? I prefer a teriyaki chicken with swiss cheese and pineapple instead of a hamburger. Ok, why all the food questions?? I’m getting hungry…

Favorite Alcoholic Beverages? Strawberry Margarita. Great, now I want one of those, too.

Non-tri hobbies? Horseback riding, camping with the horses, trail riding with the horses, and my husband shows his horses.

Unique abilities? I like to draw, mostly animals, and I also woodburn. I made stall name plates for a lot of the horses at our stable with my woodburner.

Dream vacation destination? I LOVE animals, and I think it would be AWESOME to go to Africa and do a horseback Safari. I want to ride next to giraffes!

Dream Car? A Tesla Model S would be pretty cool.

Anything you’d like to add about yourself? I have dedicated this year of triathlon training to raising money for the American Heart Association and American Stroke Association. I’m also trying to raise awareness about the diseases, warning signs, and prevention. This cause is very close to the heart (no pun intended), as I have several family members who have been affected by cardiovascular disease or stroke. If anyone would like to join me in the fight against heart disease and stroke, please visit my webpage https://www.crowdrise.com/ironmanwisconsin2015/fundraiser/jenniferwilson13 and like my Facebook page IronJen For A Cause. www.facebook.com/IronJenForACause