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Emergency Waxectomy...

Friday, 20 February 2015 00:10

By Bonnie Cerumenclog

The good news is that I had my blood pressure checked today and it's never been better, even under stress, which leads me to the part of why I had come in, bursting through the doors of the medical center looking like a wild eyed and frenzied patient, soon to be admitted to the mental ward...
Some of you know that I love to swim. It's one of the few exercises I can do that doesn't hurt. With as many broken pieces, past surgeries and weird health issues as I have/had, it's a wonder breathing doesn't hurt. Wait... that hurts sometimes too. But this isn't about my lungs. It's about what I lost and why the nurse at the doctor's office didn't wait for the doctor to finish up with his current patient and get to my chart. She took action right then and there.
So there I was, innocently preparing to enjoy my 1700 meter swim, wearing my Ironman swim cap that had recently arrived in the mail because the last cap I had was actually molding over and I just couldn't bear to put it on and feel the slimy surface any longer. I am super stoked to be an Ironman, but compared to then and looking at me now... let's just say... I'm not exactly in tip-top shape with a low...

percentage of body fat. The good part of this situation is that fat appears to be much more buoyant and I can nearly glide on top of the water with the current ratios I'm running around with on my waistline. Regardless, I'm a little self conscious and the twenty foot dash from the women's changing room to the freezing cold water of the lap pool seemed more than a football field away. Just as luck would have it, the place was packed. It seemed every athlete in the metro had come in early, filling every lane, even doubling up in half of them in an effort to get their training done before the water aerobics class started and we all got kicked out. I glanced around desperately for something to stand behind but was cursed to stand there in all of my glory, waiting for a lane, with an Ironman cap on my head that stood out like a giant beacon screaming "Look at me! I am (supposed to be) a fast swimmer!" ....Perfect.

Eventually a lane opened up and I plunged in, causing nothing just short of a tidal wave. Apparently the gym didn't want us to go into temperature change shock compared to the outside air, which was currently hovering below 20 degrees, as the pool water was so cold I could of sworn I saw an ice berg and a couple of penguins go floating by as I jammed my worn out swimming goggles onto my eye sockets. I also grabbed my ear plugs because for some reason, once I hit that magical age of twenty....ish... (times two)... water was suddenly able to go flooding into my ear drums causing me quite a bit of pain....READ MORE