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Toast Puller-Outers & Marlin Hooks......

Tuesday, 29 December 2015 00:10

ED. This Holiday post originally appeared on December 19, 2014.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS - Yesterday we blew our imaginary wad on imaginary gifts for the women of Team Minnesota '14. We don't have much imaginary cash left for the men of TM, so the gifts that they won't be receiving will be inexpensive ones.

1. MATTHEW PAYNE - As a Sludge Metal aficionado, we got head-banger Matt Fudge Tunnel's 1989 debut album (on vinyl) entitled "Hate Songs in E Minor," featuring our favorite FT tune, "Bed Crumbs." ($22.71 on Amazon)

2. MARCUS STROMBERG - Marcus is the Owner/Operator of Stromberg Built, LLC specializing in custom homes and remodeling. We therefore thought it would be cool to get him a paperback copy ($14.92 on Amazon) of Mike Holmes' "Make It Right: Expert Advice on Home Renovations" and an autographed glossy photo of Nicole Curtis. (Yes, the MTN Guys binge-watch HGTV shows.)

3. BROOKS GROSSINGER - We don't know Brooksie very well, but we like him a lot. We'll go traditional here, and get him a card and a fruitcake. Hopefully the fruitcake will have extra "green things." We don't know what they are, but a fruitcake isn't a fruitcake without the green things....

4. SEAN COOLEY - What do you get for a guy who already has lots of stuff? We noticed on Sean's Facebook page that he likes healthy breakfasts with lots of grain, like oatmeal and that stuff that starts with "Q" that health freaks are into these days, plus exotic breads that are so nutritionally dense that they take two hands to lift. We want to get him a "Toast Puller-Outer," you know, the pincher-like gizmo that you use to get your toast out of the toaster without getting electrocuted. We didn't need such an instrument in the 90s. Bread was larger then and when your toast popped you could see the top of the bread.

5. KRIS SPOTH - We learned recently that Kris studied at the Universite' De Savoie, which is a college somewhere in France. Assuming that he enjoyed his time there, we thought it would be cool to get him something that is truly Frenchy, like a beret, which is French for "Silly Hat usually worn sideways."

6. KEVIN O'CONNOR - Kevin loves to take his sons fishing. We think it's time they graduated from small-time fresh water fishing, to the deep sea big fish stuff. They should go Marlin fishing, if for no other reason than to see  those majestic bad boys jump out of the water. So, we're getting Kevin three Marlin hooks, which are huge--like Captain Hook's hook--and cost, no kidding, $13.99 apiece.

7. JOSH BLANKENHEIM - Josh is a Big Time hunter and we'd like to get him a top-of-the-line rifle, but we don't have the imaginary budget for that, so instead we'll get him a couple of bullets.

8. BRIAN BICH - All dads, at one time or another, get a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug or Christmas tree ornament. It's sad that most dads, all but one, in fact, don't deserve these gifts. But Brian does, we think. He just may be the World's Greatest Dad. So, we'll get him a mug and a Christmas tree ornament.

9. BRIAN SAMES - For Brian we want to officially change the spelling of his name so people will finally pronounce it correctly. So instead of "Sames," which looks like it should be pronounced "sames," it will now be spelled phonetically: "Sahmas," like "Thomas" with an "S" instead of a "T." This will be especially helpful to Lisa, who mispronounces his name more often than not.

10. RYAN BAILEY - Like most of us, Ryan is totally into "The Walking Dead," but he didn't get into it until Season 3. We, therefore, want to get him Season 1 and 2 box sets so he can be introduced to the great characters, like Lori and Hershel, who were killed in second season. He could also enjoy watching Michonne wield her big sword and walk around with her armless and jawless butler zombies.