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Hoodie Pillows & Zebra Cakes...

Monday, 28 December 2015 00:10

ED. This week we are recylcing some vintage posts. This Christmas post originally appeared on December 18, 2014.

The MTN Guys would like to buy every tri and du-athlete in Minnesota a new car. But we can't because we've spent most of our Christmas money on candy. Just know that if we could buy everyone some stuff, we totally would.

In years' past we have revealed the gifts that we'd like to get for Team Minnesota members. Here, in addition to the cars we won't be giving them, are some personal gifts from us that Team MN '14 will NOT be receiving. Ladies first:

1. HEATHER LENDWAY - Heather has done a lot of international traveling in her young life and will do a lot more in the coming years because she'll be a vagabond pro triathlete. Therefore, we want to give her an airplane neck pillow; you know, the kind that look like a padded toilet seat. Because she is a loyal Macalester alum, we'd like to get her a plaid...

Hoodie Pillow (photo above L). If you want to buy this for HL, you can get one on Amazon for 25-bucks plus $3.75 for shipping.

2. DANI FISCHER - Dani has moved to Indianapolis and we miss her. If she is going to live and work in Indiana, which is like a foreign country, she is going to have to learn how to speak "Hoosier," the indigenous language there. She is going to have know about stuff like "picks and  rolls" and "full court presses." To help her we want to give her the excellent movie, appropriately entitled "Hoosiers." Copies of this CD can be gotten on Tuesdays at Pawn America for $1.50. Good deal.

3. CATHY YNDESTAD - In February, CY, our state's most decorated mulisportswoman, will be moving to Switzerland, where she'll reside for the next three years. We're gonna miss her (and Kerry!) Big Time. We want to get her a real Switzerlandy kind of gift, and there's nothing more Switzerlandy than an Alpine Horn like the one you see and hear in the Ricola commericials. It takes about three years to become proficeint on this instrument, so Cathy should possess mad Alpine Horn skills by the time she moves back to the States.

4. SUZIE FOX - Suz unashamedly admits that she adores Britney Spears. Who doesn't, right? We want to give Suzie, who we adore, a trip to Vegas, a room at the Ballagio and a bunch of gambling chips. She'll also receive a front row seat at "Britney: A Piece of Me" at Planet Hollywood.

5. ELAINE NELSON - Elaine is one of the sweetest people we have ever met. She is also an elite Nordic skier. We therefore want to fly her to Norway so she can hang out for a whole weekend with legendary cross country skier Bjorn Daehlie at his house, where they can talk, get ripped on Akvavit and eat "Freia Melkesjokalalde" until they go into a sugar coma.

6. KORTNEY HAAG - Kort is originally from Sterling, Illinois, aka "The Hardware Capitol of the World." There's a cool place there called the "Sinnissippi Dam Walkway." We'd like to hire a famous artist to sculpt a statue of Kortney riding her bike and place that sculture at the section of the walkway known as Martin's Landing, which overlooks the Rock River.

7. DIANE HANKEE - Diane, whom we love and is a total HOOT, is originally from Saskatoon, which is somewhere in Canada. The city is about the same size as St. Paul and is known as "The Bridge City" because it has eight river crossings. We called a guy there and asked if one of the bridges could be named after Diane. He told me to "take off." We will therefore get her a couple of growlers from the Paddock Wood Alehouse on 103rd Street E. We're thinking about getting her some Heartstopper Chocolate Stout and Melon Head Wheat Ale.

8. NICOLE HEININGER - Nicole is a former collegiate hockey player, which we think is totally cool. Like her, we are pissed-off at UMD for firing their uber-successful women's hockey coach, Shannon Miller, because the university says it cannot afford to pay her salary. The administration did not even try to renegotiate her contract. What Bungholes! The good news is that some other college will soon benefit from Miller's awesomeness.

This Shannon Miller thing has nothing to do with the gift we've selected for Heiney. We just got carried away. Sorry. We want to get Nicole a bunch of ball caps, because the one she wears at races is way too big for her. Hey, one of the caps can have the logo of the UW-Eau Claire women's hockey team, because that's where Nicole played. We'd get her a UMD cap if the AD there wasn't such a bunghole!

9. CHRISTINA ROBERTS - Christina reads a lot of fiction and appears to be enamored of Dan Brown's literary stuff. We think Dan lives east of here. Massachusetts, maybe. We're thinking about calling him up and asking him if he can take Christina with him the next time he goes to Rome. She can be his assistant, or something.

10. BRIDGET McCOY - It's no surprise to anyone who knows Bridge, that she loves cake. "Sara Lee," whose products nobody doesn't like, only makes three kinds of cake, unless you count cheesecake. How disapointing is that! "Little Debbie," on the other hand, makes 14 different kinds of cake. Our fave are the Zebra Cakes, though the Banana Puddling Rolls are almost as lipgasmic. We'd like to get Ms. McCoy not one, but TWO, boxes of every kind of cake that "Little Debbie" makes. We'd also like to give her a tour of the "LD" bakery in Collegedale, Tennessee, and have her meet Little Debbie, herself, who is actually a regular-sized person.

A post featuring the gifts we won't be giving to the men of Team MN '14 will appear in a day-or-two.