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Childlike Hammies...

Saturday, 01 September 2012 02:20

HAMSTRINGS ARE LIKE CHILDREN. Sometimes they get crabby; and sometimes they don't do what they're supposed to do, or what you want them to do.

Because they are part of your body, we don't recommend that you actually physically punish your disobedient hammies when they act up, unless of course, you are a total masochist. We think you should do what what elite triathletes David Thompson, Kortney Haag and Heidi Keller-Miler do.

Ground them!

Like telling his imagined 13-year-old son that he can't play "Call of Duty" on his X-Box for a whole week, DKT grounded a bitchy hammie two weekends ago, depriving it and himself the opportunity to race at the Rev 3-...

Wisconsin Dells half IM. That prudent decision may have cost him some money, but it doubtlessly allowed him to race at Pigman last Sunday, which he won for an unprecedented 8th time and was able to reach a "Victory Milestone." Yup, David's victory was the 80th of his impressive career. That's a buttload of wins!

Kortney Haag was registered for Pigman, a race she won in 2010 and finished 2nd in a PR last year. She was coming in as the clear women's favorite. But, like a four-year-old daughter who left her tricycle in the driveway and you backed over it in your Cherokee and spilled French pressed coffee on the lap of your brand new pre-ripped J Brand white designer jeans, her disobedient hammie needed to be grounded. A wise decision. Kort needs her porkies to be on their absolute best behavior for next week's IM debut in the Dairyland.

When she caught her trow-dropped adolescent son watching cable porn on the family's new 85" Plasma, Heidi Keller-Miler exiled him to his room for a whole week. She also took away his iPad and smart phone and his stash of Hustler magazines. Last weekend she sorta did the same thing to herself, albeit without depriving herself of porn and electronic stuff. Registered for the Lake Marion Olympic Triathlon, she disciplinishly (Okay, that's not really a word) decided to ground herself, forcing her miscreant ham to rest. The decision probably cost her a podium spot, but, as with Kort, it may help her get to Madison in one piece.

Okay, we may have embellished some stuff in this post. We're definitely not accusing Austin Miler of being a porn freak. And yes, the "Hamstring / Child" metaphor was wearing thin, but the point of these words is to applaud these athletes for making smart decisions, and to recommend "kinesiological grounding" to those who have minor owies that could become major ones if not treated in a prudent manner.