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Resolutiony Stuff...

Sunday, 01 January 2012 01:30

By Warren Peece

Happy New Year - "Hard" resolutions, like resolving to lose a gazillion pounds or not eating chicken wings for a whole month, suck because they invite failure.

That's why I don't do them.

Sure, I want to lose a gazillion pounds (I do NOT want to endure an entire month, even February, without wings!), and truly hope that I will be lighter on 1/1/13 than I am now, but I'm not going to off myself if that doesn't happen.

I am, however, perfectly willing to kick off 2012 with a few "Easy" resolutions, i.e. ones that are almost impossible not to accomplish and therefore invite success. You know, stuff I was going to do anyway.

Here are some of my 2012 Easy Resolutions: ...

- I resolve NOT to eat Spicettes from Holiday Station Stores any more. Why? Because in December, Holiday started purchasing their Spicettes from a new supplier and the new ones totally SUCK! They're not nearly as gummy and sugary and lipgasmic as the old ones. Each gumdrop is smaller and not as chewy and the bag doesn't hold a full 17 ounces, like the old ones did.

- I resolve to buy Casey James' new CD. I really like Casey James, the long-haired dude who finished 3rd on American Idol in 2010, a lot. There's a good chance he'll release a CD in 2012. There's like a 0% chance that I won't buy it.

- I resolve to watch "Equals 3" with my adolescent son, whom I love with all my heart despite the fact that he's currently afflicted with a raging case of "Puberty Pits." According to Google, Ian's apocrine sweat glands are working overtime and his current state of odoriferousness should only last a few more years. Though he smells like a homeless guy, I can handle it 'cuz "Equals 3," featuring the brilliant Ray William Johnson, is a hoot. We've been watching this hilarious Youtube deal every Tuesday and Friday for the last year and there's no reason to stop now.

- I resolve NOT to step on a scale in 2012. Doing so would only upset me. FYI, I didn't weigh myself in 2011, a year in which I purchased a new dryer, which I'd like to return because it has drastically shrunk-up my clothes.

- I resolve to go on more dates with my wife. Trudles and I both love to go to restaurants and movies, which allow us to talk and hold hands, things that are good for a marriage. (We saw "We Bought a Zoo" last Thursday. It was terrific!) We're kinda old and gross now, so we only hold hands in public places. We wait till we get home to make out.

- I resolve to be a good "Dog Guy." I love my black lab, Polarius, almost as much as I love my stinky son, thus I plan to take him to the Battle Creek Dog Park at least once a day, unless I'm at a race. Ian can walk him on those days. The truth is I enjoy taking Polie to the dog park almost as much as he enjoys going there. And doing so keeps me from having to scoop poop in the back yard.

- I resolve to have as much fun at the races in 2012 as I did in 2011. I love going to races. Basically, that's my social life. And I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed every race I worked at last year. YOU had a lot to do with that. Thanks.