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Gift Cards, Sunblock & The Beef Slough Boys...

Wednesday, 07 December 2011 02:00

MTN made Team Minnesota posters and gave them to those who made this year's team. They were tastefully non-ostentacious, which is another way of saying that they weren't expensive.

Okay. They were cheap.

If we could have afforded it, though, we would have given every member of the Team a lavish gift; something they would treasure for many weeks.

Like what, you ask?

Here's what we wish we could have done for the guys:

1. David Thompson - DKT loves to build stuff and fix things. We'd give him a Home Depot Gift Card worth at least $10,000. turtle

2. Dan Hedgecock - Dan's got a studly new 'stache that Claire doesn't seem to mind. We'd get him a Fuzzy Muzzle Grooming Kit complete with Colonel Conk's Set (British waxes etc.), Tweezerman Precision Scissors and a Remington Travel Grooming Kit with Pro Mustache & Micro Trimmer. This stuff is only worth tens of dollars, so we'd also fly him and Claire to the Facial Hair Capitol of the World (we're not making this up!), Trondhjem, Norway.

3. Patrick Parish - Patrick and his hot Canadian girlfriend broke up not long ago. She looked a little like Charlize Theron. We'd like to get him a hot new girlfriend but triathlete / cop / SWAT Guy Mike Hankee told us that gifting girlfriends is illegal, except in Copenhagen and Nevada. Stumped, we decided to just give Patrick a wad of cash.

4. Matthew Payne - For whatever reasons, Matt really likes turtles. Therefore we want to give him an all expense paid trip to the Galapagos Islands, the home of "Turtle-Zilla," the largest tortoise in the world. How humongous is Turtle-Zilla, you inquire? We don't know for sure, but even the little Galapagos turtles are the size of ponies.

5. Kevin O'Connor - Kevin already has lots of stuff. Still, we want to get him something. Knowing that he loves to go fishing with his two sons, we'd like to send him and the boys to Bali in the Indonesia Archipelago where they can fish for Spotted Sweetlips, Burhead Spinefoot and Monocle Bream. Yes, those are real fish which may or may not be edible.

6. Devon Palmer - According to his Facebook page, Devon really likes The Beef Slough Boys (photo at top of the page), who are a bunch of old musicians from Winona who play at bars and music festivals along the upper Mississippi. We've arranged for Devon to be their one and only roadie. He'll have the thrill of carrying and setting up their equipment and making sure that the guys take their meds.

blue lizard 7. Jon Balabuck - We'd like to arrange for Jon and selected family members to appear on Family Feud, Jon's favorite TV game show. If his family wins, they get to play Fast Money for the chance to win $20,000. car

8. Dan Arlandson - We don't know much about Dan, other than that he does a lot of long training rides. Therefore, we'd like to get him a lifetime supply of SPF-50 sunscreen. Either Neutrogena or Blue Lizard. We're leaning toward Blue Lizard because it's from Australia (we like Australia!) and we really like the name.

9. Brian Bich - Brian and his dad are really close. Also, Brian lives in Duluth. It's very cold there. We want to arrange for Brian not to have to teach for an entire semester so that we can send him and his 70-year-old dad, who annually attends various "Old Geezer Fantasy Baseball Camps," to Scottsdale, Arizona. Dad can play baseball and Brian can ride his bike in the mountains and can get something he's never had before: a tan.

10. Alex Hooke - We don't know Alex very well, other than that he's a nice guy and great triathlete. Perhaps he needs a new car; one that better accommodates his athletic lifestyle? According to Bill Jackson of Cars.com, the Dodge Caliber has stain-resistant seat upholstery. We'd like to get him one of those.

Later this week, we'll share our gift wish-list for the girls of Team Minnesota. Also, in the next few weeks we plan to post YOUR Christmas Wish List. Just e-mail us a list of the stuff you want. (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.)