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Deep Fried Birds & Calculators....

Tuesday, 06 December 2011 02:20

Going Off Course - Cirriform exhaust clouds spewed from the tailpipe of the parked 1977 Audi 80 and the interior windows were fogged with impatient human respiration.

"What's that alluring scent you're wearing," the panting horndog gasped into Cheryl Bauer's 17-year-old ear.

"Original Recipe and Extra Crispy," the totally hot, fragrant teen replied breathlessly.

It wasn't just a scent, though. It was bigger than that. An aroma perhaps? Nah. Bigger. It was a full-blown, room-filling odor.

The hormonal youth, whose name was either Chip or Skipper (he was from Wayzata), could no longer control himself. He commenced to licking Cheryl's face hungrily, like a golden retriever lapping water from a toilet. Firmly believing that face-licking is inappropriate on a first date, Cheryl pushed the boy away and admonished him with an indignant tsk.

Cheryl, who married a guy named Mr. Zitur in the 80s (a few years after she dumped Chip; or was is Skipper?), now has several teenagers of her own, none of whom have, like their mom, worked at KFC. Sure, they like to eat the Colonel's fare (who except Cheryl, doesn't?), but mom expressly forbade them to work...

there, fearing they would smell like she used to and that passionate fried chicken lovers would try to lick their faces.

Cheryl bumped into Skipper, or was it Chip?, at the Food Court at MOA on Black Friday. She was there to buy discounted Christmas stuff and auditing software. Having not seen the boy in more than two decades, she was surprised to see that he'd packed on a few hundred extra pounds. He wore a paper hat and an equally-ridiculous string tie. He claimed to own several KFC franchises, including the one in the Mall, but the flour on his hands and clothing and the unmistakable smell of dead birds that wafted off him like stink vapor from Pepe' Le Pew's tail, suggested that he was, at best, an assistant manager, one who is often forced to operate the fryers when the cooks were on spliff breaks or sent home early in order to save on labor costs.

Cheryl almost vomited.

Cheryl